Showing posts with label Challenges. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Challenges. Show all posts
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Bananas Help
Well hey there! I suppose it has been a while... Again. Okay, no one is surprised. So here I sit in lovely Rexburg, Idaho about 4 weeks into a new semester. I am back to life. It is probably a miracle or something. I have even declared a major--whoopee! I am studying Family and Consumer Sciences Education, a really awesome title for an even better major. I could not have found something more suited to me to study. It really is a miracle. I spend my days learning interior design, delving into the philosophies of education, and cooking up a storm in the foods lab. It is pretty freaking fantastic. I am also serving as the Relief Society President of my YSA ward (Relief Society is the women's service organization within the LDS Church). It has only been a few weeks but I feel like I have grown insane amounts! Now don't be fooled, this is not just fun and games and baking cookies--this past four weeks have been some of the most difficult I have ever faced, but I am growing. Funny how life and God do that to us. Make us grow. Like when we were kids and got leg cramps because we were just growing like little weeds. Well, I guess now we get life cramps. But half a banana and some prayer always seem to work as well as it used to in the old days. I guess some (or most) of these little life cramps have been brought on by school. It is no secret that school has never been my favorite pass time. Something about sitting still and paying attention... But I am taking a class on the philosophies of education and It has helped me to see school, and myself as a student in a different light. I am learning how to learn. How to develop and how to become. It is so much more than a test score (although my competitive nature makes it about that sometimes). School is about life. It is about knowing and feeling and testing limits. Sometimes it is about just learning how to play the game (still trying to figure that one out without ample sarcasm). I guess what I am saying is that school isn't so bad. Don't tell anyone I said that--I can't afford to lose my tough guy rep. But for reals. I am learning to appreciate where I am now. To not stress too much about tomorrow or yesterday but to just live. Nobody said I was good at it yet, but like I said--I am growing. Just like a pretty little flower. So let yourself grow a little too. Don't be afraid of the life cramps, they are not too bad once they are over. You might be surprised at what you will discover!
Monday, March 17, 2014
Well, Now You Know. Surprise!
It has been awhile, hasn't it? I missed you too. Lets have an intimate little chat and rekindle our friendship, sound good? Great! Now that we have reestablished our endearment to one another, we can talk about our deep dark things, right? Maybe not? Well, we are going to anyways. Lets talk about mental illness. Put your big kid pants on because I guess this could be a conversation that makes some people uncomfortable. Okay, maybe it makes me a little uncomfortable. That is precisely why we are going to talk about it in all of it's ugly glory. Because I am choosing not to let "it" own me anymore. Period.
I know I have talked about feeling different before. About owning who I am and being that person. Well, a huge part of who I am and why I am different--or maybe not so different from more people than most of us think--is that I suffer from mental illness. I am not mental, or crazy, or psycho. I have an illness, it does not have me. From childhood I have suffered from anxiety and depression. Throughout my life it has come and gone, lurking in the shadows behind me occasionally showing its ugly face towering over me in moments of darkest despair. For years I have tried to outrun this sneaky beast. Pushing it behind me, closing the door on it, and shoving it deep down inside encasing it in chains and concrete and steel bars. I locked "it" away but with it other precious things became trapped. I held others at arms length as to not allow them to discover my inner dungeon of mystical nasty secret problems. I pasted a lovely smile on my face and taught myself to be pleasant but never attached. I could still enjoy most of life, in fact I did pretty well within the limits I had set for myself. So well that I felt I could probably live my whole life that way and never have to relinquish the prisoner within my mentality. I was in control. There in one simple word, "I", lived the root of all of this evil.
Now, let me take a small break from my dramatic monologue to reassure you that as I refer to "evil" and "darkness" I am referring to my feelings towards my mental illness, not to my feelings toward myself. Is it strange to say that even though I felt that I was hiding something evil within me, that I still knew of my divinity as a daughter of God and my inherent goodness? Like I said, I have mental illness, it does not have me.
Anyways, I discovered this big "I" problem when my life was suddenly no longer about ME. I spent the most important eleven months of my life thus far learning how not to think about myself. I also learned how to let down my barriers. To care deeply about others. To actually LOVE and Feel and Care. I learned to let go of my need to defend myself with sarcasm and biting words. I learned to see others and love others the way that our Savior sees each one of his children. It is a beautiful thing to see another with all of their flaws and scars and ugly pieces and love them all the more for those shortcomings. I learned that if I could feel this way about others, that there are others who could feel this way about me--beginning with my Father in Heaven and my Elder Brother, Jesus Christ. They love me not in spite of my faults, but because of them. I learned that I owe it to Them and to myself to unwrap those chains, and break down that wall and unlock the door that had kept me so safe for so long. I knew that the only way to become who my Heavenly Father knows I can be, I had to face my ugly pet mental illness. I am doing it for Him. I am doing it for me. I am doing it for my family. For my future spouse and children. For anyone who needs to know that they can do it too.
We are all given challenges. It is part of mortal existence. For some it is the challenge of mental illness, or maybe it is an addictive personality, maybe it is cancer, maybe it is a rough family situation, or poor circumstances. Whatever it is that you are suffering with, you are not alone. You don't need to lock it away and pretend like it does not exist. It does. There is help. There is support. Most importantly, there is our Savior, who through His grace suffered each of these challenges for us. "And He shall go forth suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of EVERY KIND." (Alma 7:11). Because He suffered for me, I am not defined by my challenges in life. Are they still hard? Yes. Every single day. But I know that I am not alone. I also know that you are not alone. If you feel alone, I promise that you have a friend.
Why am I sharing all of this? Because I don't know who, but I know that this will help someone. Maybe it will just help me. I am glad we are friends. I am glad that I can open my heart to you now that I am not letting it be all clogged up with icky metaphorical prison-like stuff. I am trying. I know that I can be successful. You can be too. Always hope. Good chat. Goodnight.
I know I have talked about feeling different before. About owning who I am and being that person. Well, a huge part of who I am and why I am different--or maybe not so different from more people than most of us think--is that I suffer from mental illness. I am not mental, or crazy, or psycho. I have an illness, it does not have me. From childhood I have suffered from anxiety and depression. Throughout my life it has come and gone, lurking in the shadows behind me occasionally showing its ugly face towering over me in moments of darkest despair. For years I have tried to outrun this sneaky beast. Pushing it behind me, closing the door on it, and shoving it deep down inside encasing it in chains and concrete and steel bars. I locked "it" away but with it other precious things became trapped. I held others at arms length as to not allow them to discover my inner dungeon of mystical nasty secret problems. I pasted a lovely smile on my face and taught myself to be pleasant but never attached. I could still enjoy most of life, in fact I did pretty well within the limits I had set for myself. So well that I felt I could probably live my whole life that way and never have to relinquish the prisoner within my mentality. I was in control. There in one simple word, "I", lived the root of all of this evil.
Now, let me take a small break from my dramatic monologue to reassure you that as I refer to "evil" and "darkness" I am referring to my feelings towards my mental illness, not to my feelings toward myself. Is it strange to say that even though I felt that I was hiding something evil within me, that I still knew of my divinity as a daughter of God and my inherent goodness? Like I said, I have mental illness, it does not have me.
Anyways, I discovered this big "I" problem when my life was suddenly no longer about ME. I spent the most important eleven months of my life thus far learning how not to think about myself. I also learned how to let down my barriers. To care deeply about others. To actually LOVE and Feel and Care. I learned to let go of my need to defend myself with sarcasm and biting words. I learned to see others and love others the way that our Savior sees each one of his children. It is a beautiful thing to see another with all of their flaws and scars and ugly pieces and love them all the more for those shortcomings. I learned that if I could feel this way about others, that there are others who could feel this way about me--beginning with my Father in Heaven and my Elder Brother, Jesus Christ. They love me not in spite of my faults, but because of them. I learned that I owe it to Them and to myself to unwrap those chains, and break down that wall and unlock the door that had kept me so safe for so long. I knew that the only way to become who my Heavenly Father knows I can be, I had to face my ugly pet mental illness. I am doing it for Him. I am doing it for me. I am doing it for my family. For my future spouse and children. For anyone who needs to know that they can do it too.
We are all given challenges. It is part of mortal existence. For some it is the challenge of mental illness, or maybe it is an addictive personality, maybe it is cancer, maybe it is a rough family situation, or poor circumstances. Whatever it is that you are suffering with, you are not alone. You don't need to lock it away and pretend like it does not exist. It does. There is help. There is support. Most importantly, there is our Savior, who through His grace suffered each of these challenges for us. "And He shall go forth suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of EVERY KIND." (Alma 7:11). Because He suffered for me, I am not defined by my challenges in life. Are they still hard? Yes. Every single day. But I know that I am not alone. I also know that you are not alone. If you feel alone, I promise that you have a friend.
Why am I sharing all of this? Because I don't know who, but I know that this will help someone. Maybe it will just help me. I am glad we are friends. I am glad that I can open my heart to you now that I am not letting it be all clogged up with icky metaphorical prison-like stuff. I am trying. I know that I can be successful. You can be too. Always hope. Good chat. Goodnight.
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