This Time

Sometimes I write blog posts all about angry, ugly things, and then delete them and then write a post about something sunshiny and happy and positive and flowery. This is not one of those times. (Although this is a vast improvement on the original, much more hopeful.)

Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes plans change. Sometimes families are messed up. Sometimes awesome kids get cancer. Sometimes people lie. Sometimes your past is your present. Sometimes reality bites. And sometimes you can't do anything about it.

So heres to embracing it this time.

Bananas Help

Well hey there! I suppose it has been a while... Again. Okay, no one is surprised. So here I sit in lovely Rexburg, Idaho about 4 weeks into a new semester. I am back to life. It is probably a miracle or something. I have even declared a major--whoopee! I am studying Family and Consumer Sciences Education, a really awesome title for an even better major. I could not have found something more suited to me to study. It really is a miracle. I spend my days learning interior design, delving into the philosophies of education, and cooking up a storm in the foods lab. It is pretty freaking fantastic. I am also serving as the Relief Society President of my YSA ward (Relief Society is the women's service organization within the LDS Church). It has only been a few weeks but I feel like I have grown insane amounts! Now don't be fooled, this is not just fun and games and baking cookies--this past four weeks have been some of the most difficult I have ever faced, but I am growing. Funny how life and God do that to us. Make us grow. Like when we were kids and got leg cramps because we were just growing like little weeds. Well, I guess now we get life cramps. But half a banana and some prayer always seem to work as well as it used to in the old days. I guess some (or most) of these little life cramps have been brought on by school. It is no secret that school has never been my favorite pass time. Something about sitting still and paying attention... But I am taking a class on the philosophies of education and It has helped me to see school, and myself as a student in a different light. I am learning how to learn. How to develop and how to become. It is so much more than a test score (although my competitive nature makes it about that sometimes). School is about life. It is about knowing and feeling and testing limits. Sometimes it is about just learning how to play the game (still trying to figure that one out without ample sarcasm). I guess what I am saying is that school isn't so bad. Don't tell anyone I said that--I can't afford to lose my tough guy rep. But for reals. I am learning to appreciate where I am now. To not stress too much about tomorrow or yesterday but to just live. Nobody said I was good at it yet, but like I said--I am growing. Just like a pretty little flower. So let yourself grow a little too. Don't be afraid of the life cramps, they are not too bad once they are over. You might be surprised at what you will discover!

Learning How to Use My Words

Hi. It seemed like a good time to share some more of my inner-most thoughts with the internet. So here we find ourselves once again. I suppose it is good that we are keeping in closer touch these days, ever since I shared all of my secrets with you and such... Ya know, we are tight now--or something. Anyways, I guess I am kinda moving on to a new phase in my life--shocking, I know. What?! Madison is moving and starting fresh and trying to be a grown up?... I was surprised too.

So, I am home from my mission (somewhat abruptly, and by somewhat I mean extremely), I am living with my parents and 4 younger siblings, not working, not really doing much of anything. Granted for the first two months of being home I was pretty much stuck in bed having seizures--but that is a story for another time. Remind me to tell it if you are really interested in hearing because there is a 99.99% chance I will forget. But back to this story. So here I am after months of constant progress just kind of floating. It felt pretty nice for about 5 seconds, too. Funny thing about just sitting, when you do it for very long you start to slide backwards. It is like sitting in neutral on a gradual incline. Never a happy ending.

There is a bit of a dizzy/light headed feeling when your vehicle is slowly rolling backwards--well, it was nothing like that. It was more like getting smacked upside the head--if you will. One minute I am going along my merry way and the next I just know that I am not where I am supposed to be/doing what I am supposed to be doing. It was pretty dramatic. Through out my life I have had similar moments. You know, those moments when you know that the Lord is ready to make a change? I am pretty sure he drops smaller hints to begin with, but I tend to be pretty dense. But when I know, I know. And this time I knew. I couldn't keep going in the direction I was headed. So, to my knees I went.

I tend to make decisions this way somewhat frequently. It may seem rash at times, and due to my excellently poor communication skills I feel that I may even hurt others in the process at times. I am deeply apologetic if you have ever felt hurt and/or confused at my quick decisions which usually include no explanation. But, when I have a personal revelation shouldn't everyone else around me automatically know and understand what is going on deep within my soul? No? You are telling me I actually have to use words? Well, here we are.

I have begun a new journey. One that I know I need to be on. I am off to continue figuring out how to be an actual person. One who contributes to society and is kind and happy and educated. I am on my way to school at BYU-Idaho. I am taking the long way round and I am exactly where God wants me. I will not pretend to know exactly what will happen next, but I know that as I include the Lord in this process, He will lead me step by step. For I am His and no one else's. It is not easy, but man is it worth it.

Communication is key. I am working on it. I guess if you can tell the entire internet all about your inner most crap, you should be able to have a simple conversation with the people closest to you... Hmm, maybe someday. For now, I blog.

I know I do not have a huge audience, but I would love your feedback. Is there anything in particular you would like to know more about me/my life/my opinion on random things? Oh, I am being one of those vain blogger types who thinks the whole world wants my opinion? Whoops. Oh well.

Just a Steak and Potatos Kind of Weekend

This weekend was a whirlwind of excitement as I had not seen my family in 2+ months. I spent quite possibly one of the best weekends of my life with good family, good food, and good friends. Lets just say I was not quite ready to head back to P-town this afternoon... I missed all of the people that I love in Utah while I was gone, but I am sure missing everyone that I love in Arizona now! How come I can't be in two places at once?! At least my mom sent me home with a suitcase full of homemade bread and oreos...

Phoenix in the fall is a magical place. There is something so peaceful about the desert when you can actually stand to be outside in it. Cool air in Phoenix is a welcome novelty and I enjoyed the "warmer" temperatures while everyone else froze... I only donned a coat once; I guess after a few days I readjusted and thought it was cold too.

I suppose I am back in good ole Provo for the long haul. School and work are calling my name and I just can't pretend like I don't hear them anymore. So here's to holding chickens, lunch with my mom, pouring rain, sweater shopping with Jare Bear, Painting my nails with Marisa Maurice, Singing with Jason, and Snuggling with Jake the Bake. To hockey games with my dad (eh?), and lists, and farms, and sweeping at the temple, learning new things, and making apple crisp. To seeing old friends, and making new ones, eating burritos(mmmm burritos) and chicken pot pie. But untill Christmas eve, here's to going to school, and Deseret Book, and bachelorette parties, calls from the AZ, and spending time with Meredith. To doing crazy things late at night, and falling asleep to parties outside my window. And above all, no matter where or when--to loving life to the fullest and loving every minute of it!